Going through divorce & becoming a single mom

Being a newly single mom of two daughters is very tough in general. One of the toughest things I have ever done. But it's one thing to become a single mom because your marriage dried up or fought all the time about money issues etc. I thought I had a marriage built on the foundation of honesty and trustworthiness. But when you become a single mom because your spouse is a huge selfish a$$hole, I believe it makes being a single mom even harder than before because now you have that to deal with on top of everything else.

Since I discovered the horrific secret my EX was keeping from me, the past six months has been the most agonizing six months of my entire 33 years of life. Six months I would never wish on my worst enemy to ever endure. I will never forget the date my life permanently changed. I try to stay numb throughout the day, trying to bury any feelings that try to surface with the busyness a single parent deals with. There is never enough time for everything that needs to be dealt with in any given day which leaves me discouraged and beleaguered. I am physically tired of crying and of the nightmares. I don't engage in any of my hobbies I use to do due to lack of desire, time, and money. I don't like being by myself because my mind starts racing, replaying the past months over and over in a never-ending vicious cycle. Then unwanted pain bubbles up, instantly transforms into intense rage.

I can't trust anyone without instantly feeling like they are trying to take my children away from me or harm us. I don't trust what anybody says or the promises they make without their actions lining up every single time. Going through a never-ending living hell makes people's true colors show, making it easy to see who is truly there for you and who doesn't give a damn. Those people who's words and actions don't line up every single time are getting cut out from our lives (my daughters & mine). I don't need any unnecessary drama.

Unable to trust anybody has me demanding people to have my back fully or don't have it at all. I don't want anybody who doesn't have my back 1,000% of the time - every single time. If you have my back, I can always count on you and know you will be there for me and not my EX 1,000% of the time, no questions asked. To do this, trust has to be proven repeatedly without being broken. I only have a small few people (3) that I can truly say have my back and have my trust.

Being divorced won't be a problem with me; the process of getting a divorce is becoming another freakin' nightmare. Of course my divorce can't go smoothly and of course my EX has to be an a$$ in that as well. Hasn't he done enough damage to my daughters and me? Apparently not! Let's keep that crap going.


Not only has my family lost half it's income while continue to pay the same bills, but now my EX wants more than he deserves with this divorce. If this was a normal divorce where we were going our separate ways, I'd have no problem dividing everything equally. But this is NOT a normal divorce. My children are permanently scarred for life due to my EX's secret and that's not enough damage for him? He wants to see them not have enough food in their bellies? Not have a warm roof over their head? IF HE CARED ABOUT THEM, he'd make the divorce process simple and walk away with nothing. It won't fix the damage he has already caused but at least it won't cause anymore in the process.

Once the divorce is final and (I pray daily that) I NEVER have to deal with my EX EVER AGAIN, then I can pick up the pieces and move on from this devastating nightmare. 

In the meantime, I must........