I have a confession to make.....

I have a confession to make……

Lately, I have been letting the evil voices inside my head get to me. You know, the ones that say you can’t do it or do a great job. The ones that make you self doubt yourself. Yep, they get the best of me at times. Okay – more than I would like…. A lot more than I would like. And yes, I know - I am not suppose to listen to those voices and that I am super duper awesome, buttttttttt….. the evil voices trample over the awesome voice inside me more times than not. (And not to mention I constantly compare myself when I know deep down I'm not suppose to - esp. with my photography.)

Why is that? Not 100% sure.

For example, with my photography - I know I’m not a professional and don’t have any kind of degree or higher educational to know all about ISO, aperture or blah blah blah. I consider myself an amateur photographer. I know more than the average Joe, I have an “eye” for shots, and I use amateur equipment. I don’t have a lush studio with giant lights with umbrellas on them or state of the art background drops and a zillion props. I get so nervous and self doubt myself when I go through and edit my pictures. I can see where some of the pictures are a little blurry (to when I zoom it in 150%) or there was something minor issues like an arm looks a little weird where it was placed (the place I told them to put it) or there was a little too much space between people. Ugh. It’s so frustrating to where I completely stop editing for awhile, telling myself I don’t have the talent to take great photos because apparently what I am seeing aren’t (in my eyes). And then I get in a foul mood and in a funk that's it's hard to shake. =o( (yeah....i'm in one right now from being disappointed and frustrated editing at the moment.)

Of course I do get the random pictures that I take and when I look at them, they blow my mind. I almost can’t believe I took them because they are seriously; I hate to say it but – professional! During those moments I am on a natural high from the sheer awesome~ness of them. But those awesome moments where things just jive together seem far and few between to me. More times than not, the picture is a little too dark and have to fix that or something else that disappoints me.

Now this comes to my second point. I don’t want people to blow crap up my a$$ and telling me – oh they are great and all that sugar coating when they don’t think so and are unhappy with my work. That is not my attentions with this post. (Plus I can’t stand people who whine expecting to get smoke blown up their ego. It gets old super fast.) My ego doesn’t need B.S. I rather have the straight and ugly truth than to be lied to.

 And I think at times when people tell me that they like my work, I think they are sugar coating when in fact they might be genuinely telling me their true feelings; especially when I find flaws in my work and am disappointed by it for the most part. It’s almost a reflex I have. The instant I heard anything positive, the evil voices scream at me “They are lying! They are lying! They don’t want to hurt my feeling so they are LYING!”

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. Am I being too picky?  Maybe. Am I a perfectionist? Maybe. Is this the corporate? Probably, praying it is. Will it get better with the more sessions I have under my belt? Hopefully. I really dislike this inadequate feeling I get more times than I like. Those evils just need to shut their trap.

Is it just me or is it other photographers too that get this feeling? Like professional ones? I think part of the reason I may be so hard on myself and my work is that my work, to me, a reflection of myself. I don’t want someone to go to one of my clients and be like….

Stranger: “Like where did you get your pictures done? Those right there hanging on your wall?”

Client: “Oh. Those. <<insert my name>>.”

Stranger: Mental note to self – NEVER EVER go to HER. “Oh. Cool.” YOU GOT SCREWED!

 

So okay, that doesn’t always happen, but to me, the evil voices say they do.

 

And I guess getting it out there, out in the open that yes I am human and yes every picture I take isn’t going to be as perfect as I had it in my head. But I just truly hope that the awesome voice in my head can kick some evil voice a$$ pretty darn soon. And of course my photography isn't the only thing I doubt myself on. Trying to be a good mother is just a whole another issue that will have to wait for a different day.

Something I need to remember is.........

 

(Again, I’m not looking for people to tell me how great I am or anything like that. I just needed to vent and get that off my chest in hopes my evil voices can learn to pipe it down. Thanks for understanding.) Sorry this isn't a happy uplifting post. Can't be happy and positive all the time. Again, I'm human.

UPDATE: Finding this and reading this has helped.

http://www.rocktheshotforum.com/2012/06/18/take-better-photos-overcoming-discouragement/